Time for an update

I suppose it is time to give an update on life in Trinidad. I am doing ok. I still am taking it day by day. We all do it, we just sometimes get ahead of ourselves. I'll have a couple of 'good' days, then something catches me off guard. One step forward, two steps back. Sometimes it seems more steps backwards. Eventually, I'll get caught up or ahead, until then...

I really should be blogging on what I am learning, not necessarily what I am teaching. My favorite line still is "He says my mom doesn't have her green card and she does." A lot of times, I feel like I am babysitting more than teaching. One class actually stopped someone in her tracks because they were so quiet - I relish those rare moments. It's tough. I just pray that I make it through the year without becoming hard.

As someone who does not journal on a regular basis (maybe once a year), I am jotting down my thoughts, feelings, life, and learning. I am also getting caught up on reading (that's also thanks to the required reading time at school). I highly recommend Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. I haven't finished it, but I am learning lots.

How's my sanity? Well, that was in question before the last six months happened. I have my own therapy:
1. God, prayer, and study.
2. My parents.
3. Being able to talk on the phone.
4. Facebook - keeping up with family & friends.
5. Facebook Flair - they are "buttons" to put on your page. Not all of them are appropriate, but there are many that make you laugh out loud. Sometimes I read them just to laugh.
6. Mashed potatoes. It has always been a comfort food for me and it still gives me quite a bit of comfort.
7. Ice cream & chocolate. Fortunately, I am not gaining weight, and I don't eat ice cream & chocolate that often.
8. Teaching? Well, I don't know if it is really helping my sanity, but it keeps me busy.
9. Tears. I think it if I kept them inside then I would float away. They also catch me off guard. If I let them flow, I have learned, then I will feel better faster.
10. Music. So many emotions and memories can be triggered by music. I am a big fan of Third Day's Revelation. It's all about love - God's love for us. I miss the variety of music channels that you can get in the bigger cities or on satellite. The best received channels I get are Christian music which is calming.
11. Sermons online. I am very greatful for this luxury and for the fact that I can download them. They make driving to and from the Springs a little shorter. Now, if I can find a way to take notes and drive...don't worry, I don't.

Trinidad is known not for the greatest things. It is a very artsy town too. It's quaint. I have my own nickname for it. I know I wouldn't feel this way under different circumstances. Thanks for reading.

34 years ago...

My mother brought me into this world. Ok, so my birthday is 1:16am tomorrow, but she was in labor at this time. I was looking forward to this birthday, but it will be bittersweet. 12 years ago, my Grandpa Simmon passed away. Since then, I don't look forward to my birthday. I am in the Springs, but I will be heading back to the Springs. Yet, I am blessed. I need to remind myself of the blessings that I have ~
*God loves me
*I am forgiven
*I have 2 wonderful parents
*I have incredible friends
*A church family
*My ECA family - I can still go back and be loved on.
*I have a job
*I have a place to lay my head
*I live in a free country - where I can worship openly and to vote
*The material things in life - DVR, Chick-fil-a, Internet
*Living only 2 hours away from home

First Snow in Trinidad

The picture of Fisher's Peak here in Trinidad. It snowed much of the day. It was too warm to stick, but cold enough to snow. My students were amazed at the snow.

I continue to take it day by day. Just when I think I am taking a step forward, I am hit with 2 steps back. I can't tell you why or what, it just happens.

My mom came down this weekend. It was rainy most of it, but we were still able to drive up the Highway of Legends to see the scenery. I do enjoy the fall colors.

My goal is to really laugh each day. Laughter is good medicine.

It's THE Day

Today, I was supposed to marry my best friend. Instead, I am hanging out with a few family members. I know a lot of people are praying for me as I have read on Facebook and received a few messages. I thank you for that.

Today has been very difficult. I woke up knowing what today was supposed to hold. I made it through breakfast and most of the morning ok. Then I went to to take a shower. For some reason, getting into the shower is one of the most difficult things I do. I guess the running water symbolizes the running of my emotions. I may have a tough exterior, but today, there has been none of that. A normally solid person has become very weak. I know that it is okay. It's very humbling.

11:00. Pictures were to begin...I was lying in bed, being comforted by my mom. 1:30, the wedding was to begin. I was eating lunch with my family. 2:00, the ceremony was to be wrapping up. I was watching the Stealth fly over the Air Force stadium. 4:30, pictures at the Broadmoor. It was raining and I was with my dad. I was feeling the rain inside of me. Now, instead of being a wife, I am again single. Yes, I was content being single, and, hopefully, I will again be content.

I just received a note from a dear lady that I admire. She sent me the verse, Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." It is the TRUTH. The funny thing is that was the main verse that Ryan and I clinged too. Now, I cling to it even more. I am not sure what the future holds, but God holds it for me, Ryan, his children, and even you.

I still hurt. It is grief. It's one of those happenings in life where it never happens to people you know. Unfortunately, and one day fortunately, it happened to me. I am not sure of the big picture and I may never know. I know I will be a stronger, but I am in the valley of weakness. Please keep me in your prayers. Also, pray for Ryan. This is a very open, honest blog entry. If you want honesty, you have it. If you don't, I am sorry, I am going to give it to you anyway. There is a light at the end of the tunnel; I just have to get to it.

Love,
Amy

Here's an update...

I am sorry that I haven't replied to the calls and emails. I am in hanging in there. I won't lie and say that I am fine. I am ok. I have glimmers of everything being good, then something triggers an emotion. I know that I will get through this. God is in control; He doesn't give us more than we can handle; He could be saving me from some greater pain. I do know this, but it still hurts. Life is going on, but there are moments when I need to be selfish and have a pity party. Please bear with me. My storybook romance has become, well, a nightmare. I do wish I could wake up and this be all over; but reality sets in. My life is a country song gone from bad to worse. I can quote many songs right now, including Kelly Clarkson's "Behind These Hazel Eyes." But there is hope as in Third Day's "Tunnel" and the oldie, but goodie, "Be Thine My Vision."

I am still living in Trinidad. I will be here until the end of the school year. I will be staying in the loft that we rented when I first moved. If you come through Trinidad, you do have a place to stop or stay. I have plenty of room now and I would love the company.

My students are my focus now. As talkative as they are, I am enjoying them. I do have some stories to tell. I am getting an education with some. I went to see a few boys play football. It's a small thing that I can do for them. Some of the girls are beginning volleyball so hopefully I can see them too.

I appreciate all that you have done for me. I wish I could respond to each email or call, but emotionally and physically, I cannot. There are times where I just can't talk. There are times I just have to cry. And, yes, I have laughed. Not a lot, but I have. I talked to a friend on the phone tonight, and as she said, I am the nice one and she is the very evil friend. She made me laugh which was good.

This weekend will be hard. What was supposed to be the happiest weekends of my life will now be one of the hardest. I am not sure of plans. I am not sure what I can or should do. Some friends and family are still coming in so it will be nice to see them. I will be at church again. Oh, church, a comfort place. I still need the hugs. I know this is not the most pleasant posting to read, but I needed to share where I am at. Keep in touch. Thanks again! God bless....Amy

The Wedding is Off

Here is an email that I sent this morning...

Dear Family and Friends,

It is with a heavy heart that I have to inform you that my marriage to Ryan has been callled off. There are many factors that have gone into this decision.

For those who have bought airline tickets, I pray that you can get your money refunded. For those who bought gifts, I will return them soon. Unfortunately, I have used some of them so I will refund you the money.

I am going to the Springs this weekend, but it will be for my sanity.

Thank you for all your support over these years. I have to remind myself that God has a bigger plan.

Love,
Amy

Yes, my life is on crack...

Well, that's at least what my friend, Michelle, told me. SO, if you haven't heard...

Last Friday, I was offered a 6th grade math and science teaching position at Trinidad Middle School. I interviewed in the morning then offered the job and accepted it that afternoon. I began this last Tuesday. Students start Sept. 2. I have been in meetings most of the week and trying to set up my classroom. It's not where I would like it, but it will have to do. The school had registration yesterday and I was able to meet some of my new students. I have 7 classes - advisory (we knew it as homeroom), 2 advanced math classes, 2 science classes, and 2 math skills class (extra help).

That brings us to the next question...where are you living? Well, last week, Ryan and I looked at a "loft." Most of us would refer to it as an apartment, but loft sounds much more urban. LOL. We tried to find a suitable house, but we really liked the loft. It is brand new, wood floors, vaulted ceilings, and convenient for all of us. It's in downtown Trinidad. I have the lofty goal to walk to Safeway at least once. By the way, the Safeway has the Starbucks. The loft is beautiful! We signed the lease on Wednesday and got the keys today. We are in the Springs tonight, pack tomorrow, I am going to Wendy's shower tomorrow afternoon, and then we are heading to Trinidad. Oh, yah, we also have to get Ryanna's flower girl shoes. Ryan got a trailer so we are going to load up my beds, clothes, and some other school stuff. TV viewing will be on the floor until we get the furniture. I loved staying with his grandparents, but it will be nice to be in my own place.